The Single Girl’s Guide to “Why Are You Still Single?”

Ugh.

I hate this question. You hate this question. Every single person on the planet hates this question. This question and all its derivations are despised. But it is asked so frequently it seems that people in a relationship genuinely don’t know this.

One would think it should be a rhetorical question except, of course, the asker stares blankly at you waiting for an answer. What answer could they possibly expect? This is not really a question but a backhanded compliment. The question implies that you are such a pretty, nice, smart, funny, hot, gem of a person that it’s simply inconceivable that someone with your impeccable qualities should still be ‘on the market’. Simultaneously it implies that you clearly must have some horrendous flaw that is not immediately obvious.

And your mind goes scrambling for this flaw or flaws, dredging up every possible repellent thing about yourself you can think of in a matter of seconds. It doesn’t matter how much you actually enjoy your single life, it doesn’t matter what you have achieved in your life, it doesn’t matter about the very sensible and rational reasons you have for choosing to be single at this present time: this question touches a nerve in a part of your mind that screams back “I’m a failure because I don’t have a partner who loves me!”  

Friends don’t ask you this question. It is asked by strangers, or acquaintances, or people who hate you. For the most part I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. They are flinging this question around innocently with no idea of its effects, like a kitten with a flamethrower.

As far as I know there has been no study done into the motivation behind this question. (If there has been I apologise to those involved and would be interested to know their results). I actually believe that those who ask this question have given no thought to why they are asking and couldn’t tell you if you enquired. So, off the top of my head and with no research whatsoever, here’s what I think may be going on under the surface of this question:

• This person is in a relationship and they are incredibly happy. Their partner is a source of such great delight in their lives and they just want you to be happy as they are. They want to see everyone in the whole world paired up and joyous. Relationships mean happiness so single must mean misery. They don’t want you to be miserable.
• This person has strong sense of justice and a desire to see justice play out in the world around them. They see a relationship as something good (which I have no argument with), good people are deserving of good things, while bad people are undeserving of them. Therefore good people deserve to be in relationships and bad people deserve to be alone. When they see a good person alone their sense of justice kicks in and they want answers. It’s the same motivation for asking why a nice girl is in a relationship with a jerk that ‘doesn’t deserve her’. Justice in love is hard to find.
• This person is afraid of being alone. In the same way the dreaded question pushes a bad response button in us singletons, being confronted with a single person pushes a big fear button within them. Faced with a real-life example of someone who has, maybe even enjoys, this thing they fear so much prompts the question as a knee-jerk reaction. I give the same reaction when I hear that someone keeps big, hairy spiders as pets: “Arrrgghh! But... WHY?!”
• This person thinks relationships are the norm. Everybody must have a partner. If there is someone without a partner they must surely be looking for one. There is just something inherently abnormal about singleness. Single people must be incredibly lonely all the time (after all only people with partners are allowed to have social contact with other people). Single people mutter to themselves on trains. They live in cabins in the middle of the woods with newspaper clippings all over their walls and piles of notebooks on their shelves filled with scribbled conspiracy theories. This normal looking person before them can’t possibly single. Being single is just plain weird.
• This person has some’ old-fashioned’ notions about women. These are not necessarily bad notions in and of themselves. On the contrary, this can show a degree of care and concern for single people. A single woman can be seen as vulnerable. A woman living on her own may not be safe. She might not have security either physically or economically. And who will mow the lawn, change the light bulbs, and assemble the DIY furniture?  Why, the same person who cooks the meals, washes the clothes, and mops the floors, of course.
• This person is a jerk. They know full well the implication of their question and they’ve said it deliberately to hurt and humiliate you. This is usually said by another woman in front of a group of people who are mostly guys. Then she’ll continue to flirt and charm while you stammer awkwardly and choke back tears. Worse is that you can never think of a comeback that doesn’t make you sound incredibly bitchy and/or cause the guys to yell “girl fight!” My suggestion for this is to smile at her sympathetically and reply gently and sincerely: “I image it would be difficult for someone like you to understand.” It’s ambiguous enough to deny that an insult was intended, in the event that such denial is required.

There is a thread running through these possible motivations. This dreaded question is all about the asker and not the askee. I repeat: This is about them, not about you.

“Why are you still single” is the same as every other personal question we could ever be asked. And the answer is always the same: When we make choices in life we select the best option currently before us using the best information that is available to us at the time.  When we question our own choices too much it makes us crazy. When we question other people’s choices too much it makes us judgemental.

But to reply to those who ask and want a response what can we say?

1. “I choose to be.”
2. “Well, why are you in a relationship?”
3. “It’s the darndest thing – whenever I get into a relationship with someone I end up discovering them in my bathroom hacked to pieces with an axe. I have no idea why this keeps happening.”

It almost doesn’t matter what you say. You could sit them down and tell them your entire life story in an effort to make them understand your singleness. Their subconscious fears, prejudices, or ideologies are unlikely to be changed by your explanation. Besides they were “just asking”, there’s no need to make a big deal out of it.  

Ultimately we have to let go of the negative residue this kind of question inevitably leaves behind. When you get a suitable moment close your eyes and create a visual representation in your mind of this question and your emotions relating to it. It can be anything. Now envision pushing it away where it can’t reach you or envision completely destroying it. Throw it off a cliff. Run over it with your car. Blow it up with cartoon sticks of dynamite. Whatever works for you!

Replay this vision in your mind as often as you feel you need to. Replay it until this vision makes you feel free. Imagine it often enough and comically enough and maybe one day when someone asks “why are you single?” your first reaction will be to laugh right in their face.